You’re (g)out of order!

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Dear Gout,

I’m sorry that you had to leave, as it was very kind of you to come and visit for all those years.  Popping up at unexpected times and preventing me from sleeping or walking was such a wonderful experience that I hardly know where to start.  The uncertainty and seemingly random times when you’d visit added a little excitement and frisson to every day. Ensuring that I spent money every month, on medication I took daily, was a particularly neat touch.

Who knew that you and alcohol were such good friends? Imagine my surprise when I found that after I stopped alcohol from coming round for more than one or two beers a week, that you decided you’d overstayed your welcome and slowly, silently left.  Even better, you took the need for medication with you, and my toes have been pain free for months.

I do hope you won’t take this the wrong way Gout, but I don’t want us to be friends, and I don’t want us to see each other ever again.  I have a new life, with new friends like fresh fruit and food made from scratch, and so it’s over between us.

Best Regards

Big Erik

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